Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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