the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
