Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
