his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
