I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
