i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
