so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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