i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
