I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
