I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
