Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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