just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
