Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
