Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
