Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize