woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
