Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
