I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
