my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
