I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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