no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
