I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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