I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
