I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
