No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
