I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
actually, I'm a sock model
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
