I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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