god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
and she was petting her beer can
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
