I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
