If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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