I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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