you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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