I accidentally had phone sex last night
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we're so committed to being not committed
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
