May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
