I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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