I hate your face
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
40s are totally the cure
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
