She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
