Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
