your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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