Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
