My liver just broke up with me...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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