You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
