dude i'm inner monologue high
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
