What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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