The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I love having hate sex.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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