Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
