hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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