You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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