I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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