Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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