Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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