i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
