There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
