K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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