its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
