dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
