Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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