He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
