Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Bring me that man meat
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
