I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
