Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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