No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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