your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
