I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
