mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
