she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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